The Humanitarians

Dearest and most noble reader, I’m afraid that now is not the time to Keep Calm and Carry On with your life, as if naught was happening. The time has come to scream and panic.
Please imagine, if you will, that you are enjoying a bucolic BBQ; imagine that you are cooking a tender steak over a tenacious fire, and that a gentle breeze nudges the spit-roast aroma just beneath your nostrils. You take a whiff and then, out of the bloody blue, you get sucked up into heaven, rapture style. Alas, there are no pearly gates for you, o’ regal and righteous reader. Instead of riding alongside the Father in his celestial chariot, you find yourself aboard a mother ship, strapped to a terrifying Deboning Apparatus™ of sorts. What is more, it is YOU who is to be turned into a tender steak; it is YOU who is to be cooked over a tenacious fire, and this is to happen at the hands of none other than an alien master chef. Yes.
Beloved reader, you must heed the author’s terrible tidings: aliens have been feasting on the human race as a valuable source of fat and protein since the time of ancient Sumer. Indeed, they cannot get enough of our savoury, pungent human flavour. Armed with special guns, a special plan and, most importantly, a special sauce, these evil epicurean extraterrestrials intend to turn all 7.6 billion of our race into an intergalactic human meat market with economies of scale so big as to reduce the infamous golden arches to golden embers and ashes. Yes.
O’ worthy whisperer of words, be of good cheer, for there is one thing that the aliens did not anticipate—indeed not even we, the humans, could anticipate this—a brash, brusque and exceptionally bovine president with foresight enough to assemble a space-dominating Space Force. Surely, this will be an epic battle to the end, one you cannot afford to miss. But should the wise reader unwisely miss the said epic showdown, let her or him take the aforementioned advice: panic. Yes, panic. Scream as if your life depended on it, because it does. And whatever you do, beware of light coming out of the sky!